October 31, 2004 [Sunday] 11:38 pm
Hippy Hoppy Halloween
Hello! My name is Pompins and I'm a pumpkin candle. Today, I'm going to tell you a Halloween horror story.
I was born four months ago in a candle factory and, let me tell you this now: my creator is one sick bastage because I was created and put into this world for the sole purpose of being burned to death because it apparently brings joy to this sadistic species of beings called humans.
See the smile on my face? It's a farce. A fallacy. A flimflam fraud.
I shall now reveal another shocking truth: My smile is painted on! It is a fake! I cannot help but smile outwardly even though I might be frowning or crying inside because the sick bastard of my creator made me that way!
Oh, I wasn't always this cynical.
When I was born, life was happy and good because I wasn't yet aware of my destiny.
Me and my pal, Punnits, we shared many good times horsing around and chatting while we sat in a box together with other pumpkin candles, waiting for the day we could go out into the great big out there.
There's Punnits and myself, happy as you please.
When we finally got let out of our box, we were pleased to learn that we were given a new home in this amazing-huge bright place with many colourful things to look at, all lined up nicely on shelves.
We also saw many humans who looked at us and smiled. That made us feel nice.
One day, one of these humans lifted me up and started squealing in delight: "Oooooooooohwaaaaaaaa!! So cute harrrrrrr!! I want I want!!"
(Punnits and I quickly learned that humans came in two versions — one's called He and the other's called She.)
This human who lifted me up was a She and, to my delight, She grabbed Punnits as well, and whisked the both of us to our new home!
It was all so exciting.
Little did I know then of the nefarious plans She had in store for me and Punnits.
Oh, but we found out all too soon.
One night, we were brought to this dark, smoky place which had a lot of Hes and Shes just sitting around, chilling out, and I thought, how nice, She is bringing me and Punnits to this place to hang out with her pals.
Oh, was I dreadfully wrong.
I caught the first whiff of trouble when She set fire to our heads.
Oh man oh man oh man of all the sickest things in the world to do!!
As if that weren't enough, they picked Punnits up and started messing with his head!
What were they doing to Punnits, the sickos?! Oh Punnits, Punnits, my heart bleeds for you!
This was turning out to be a nightmare!
After they messed with Punnit's noodles, they made a bonfire out of him!
Oh MY oh Punnits! What have they done to you?!
As Punnits' life burned away, his painted-on smile belying his true terror, I could only watch in horror, helpless to save my best friend on earth, and shuddering to think of what would come next.
As Punnits burned, more and more of his life leaked out of him.
And then, suddenly, the humans blew the flame out, deciding that they'd had enough of playing with Punnits' head.
But it was too late, for Punnits was now beyond traumatised. Even his painted on smile had melted and he had become a terrified shadow of his former self.
And there I was, still forced to smile despite the horror I was really feeling.
At this point, the humans got tired of fooling around with us and left us alone for a while, thank the Great Kahuna Pumpkin.
They started to turn against themselves, the crazy shits.
Clowning around and acting crazy, as if they weren't already crazy enough!
And then, all of a sudden...
It went creepy-weepy dark.
A silent gush of chill air blew across my cheek and stole a shiver down my spine.
And then I heard a faint voice calling out: "oooOOOooo... oOoooOoo...
"I want my brains oooooooh..."
Great Rockin Pumpkins, it was Punnits! Punnits had quietly died and come back again with this cool glowy effect around him!
Punnits, my hero! He is looking good!
Punnits waited until the humans were distracted — they kept doing this stupid grinny thing where they just stood there, unmoving, and grinned stupidly to themselves.
So, while the Hes and Shes were thus occupied, Punnits started to multiply and suddenly there were lots of glowy Punnits!
Oh my goodness!
The glowy Punnits started to hover and then fly around the humans, all the time chanting "ooOOoooo ... oooOOOOooOOo..." and scaring the hell out of them.
It was so funny to watch as the humans ducked and shrieked in terror!
Punnits blew my fire out and saved me from the horrible fate of having my brains leak out like his did. Punnits was so wonderful.
The stupid humans pointed and stared at the flying glowy Punnits and then they did the most unimaginable thing possible.
They started to laugh.
WTF?
They were absolutely nuts; they should have been cowering in a corner and shivering in their booties! Man, I wanna be on what they havin'!
So they laughed and they pointed and they laughed some more, and then they all yelled out at the same time, almost shattering my eardrums: "HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!"
What a gyp.
So after the humans had their fun, the original She knocked Punnits off the air and burned us both some more.
At the end of the night, She put us out once again, put us in a bag and took us home.
And, now, Pompins and Punnits sit on a shelf in She's home, deformed and traumatised for life, waiting for the day we would be violated again.
'Tis a sick, sick world we live in.