September 29, 2005 [Thursday] 7:05 pm A Visitor From The Sewers This morning, I woke up with a full bladder demanding attention. It was 6 am and dark as I groped my way to the bathroom. As I turned the light on and entered, I was frozen by the sight of a long, brown thing wriggling in the toilet bowl. No, it wasn't a piece of shit. It was alive! It was a giant freaking worm taking a leisurely swim in my toilet bowl! At first, I thought I was still dreaming. And then I thought maybe someone had taken a dump earlier and forgotten to flush, and that someone had better get to a doctor, pronto. As it slowly dawned on me that I wasn't dreaming, I also realised that the thing was a centipede. Fucking hell! It was about 10 or 12 cm long and looked like it was enjoying its swim very much. Damn! I stared at it a while longer in horrified masochistic fashion before beating it to the next nearest continent. I went back to bed and woke the Goonfather up. "Wake up! Wake up!! There's a giant centipede in the toilet bowl!" "Mmmh... hmmm. Zzzzz." "There's a giant centipede in the toilet bowl!!" "Ogg... ogay." "Weiiiiiiiiii!!!" "Hurrrm? Mmm... flush it away." "But WHY IS THERE A GIANT CENTIPEDE IN THE TOILET BOWL??!" Faced by my persistent encouragement, the Goonfather had no choice but to yank himself out of bed and make an excursion to the bathroom. I didn't think I could handle the trauma of seeing the centipede again so I watched from the relative safety of the bed as he stared at the wriggling culprit in wonder before flushing it away. He then took a piss. I hope the centipede dies from the toxicity of the Goonfather's pee. I know centipedes are probably innocent but that doesn't make them harmless nor give them any business to appear in my toilet bowl in the middle of the night!! The Goonfather later told me that it's common for centipedes to show up at toilet bowls. What?!? But he said because they live in our sewers and have to survive on our shit and pee, they are probably gimped and weak, so I shouldn't be too concerned about having a giant centipede chew out my behind while I'm taking a dump. What?!? Men have no sense of urgency. No respect for danger!! I told him it's not common at all because I've never seen a centipede in any bathroom, except maybe in the movies. I have read in the papers about a python appearing in some poor guy's bathroom and terrorising him. I suppose that should have been more traumatising since he couldn't simply flush the python back into the sewers. But who cares about that? I had a centipede visit my toilet bowl! Is there any more justice left in this world? Sigh. :: Permalink :: :: Previous :: Next ::

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